The First Thnaksgiving

What is it about humans that makes us so obsessive over food? People devote their lives to food. Chefs go to school and dream one day of gaining Micheline Stars for their work; magazines for only food and wines; TV shows like Top Chef and Hell's Kitchen; we even have an entire channel dedicated to food! What it is about food that makes us to excited?


In his book, Sacraments of Life, Life of Sacraments, Alexander Boff talks about how as people of faith (and even those not) turn simple, everyday things into sacraments which hold meaning for us. They don't necessarily mean the same thing to everyone, but they hold signifigance. They remind us of something. Like the Eucharist in church. Some people treat the Eucharist as an "upper-room" kind of sacrament, quite, solemn, and in rememberance of a funeral. Others, choose to view it as a celebration, like the loaves and fishes story, as a celebration of the risen Christ and the miracles he can do. Either way, its something that brings about memory. And these memories are what are important to us. They are the things we hold on to.


When I think about being at home I think of my favorite places to eat, Fat Matt's Rib Shack on the northside of Atlanta, the Flying Bisicut off McClendon Avenue, Doc Chey's in Virginia Highlands, and the Watershed in Decatur. All of these places not only have amazing food, but they hold memories. Fat Matt's is where we go after hitting the Sweetwater Brewery, the Flying Bisicut is for Sunday morning brunches, Doc Chey's for cold days with friends, and the Watershed for first dates and celebration dinners with friends.


This Thanksgiving I changed my tradition and found new sacraments. I drove with Megan to Albert Lea, MN to spend the week with her parents. Not only was it the most entertaining weekend I ever spend in such cold, but the food was there. The same sacraments were there but because it was with different people and we did different things. But we came together because of the food. We know that the food will bring us together, it will give us new memories and new reasons to be together. So now, when I think of being in cold weather and being with friends and going to community Christmas pageants, I'll think of Megan's family and friends and cornish game hens.

Learn How to Love for Dummies

I live everyday as a seminary student. My life revolves around it. I study for school, eat at school, live in seminary housing, work a job on campus, serve as a deacon for the junior class, and worship on campus. Everything I do revolves around the church and seminary. Needless to say, sometimes I just need a minute away from the God-talk. It's great and all, but sometimes I just need to be outside of the academic world of the Bible. I don't have to leave my Christianity behind; in fact, I pride myself for taking it with me everywhere I go.


I have found something outside of seminary that I love and look forward to each week. The Center on Halsted. It's a community center in the grandest sense. The building is environmentally friendly, it's a safe space for everyone, and there are endless possibilities there. I am a volunteer with the youth program there. I'm still in my training, which is long... An 8 week program to be exact. 'Why?' you ask, well because these aren't just any youth, they are youth without a home. Youth that have been turned away from their families, friends and often times have been made to feel as though God is even against them simply because they are different. My place in all this: I get to be with these youth and I don't ever even have to say God or Christ, yet I can share it with them. I can let them know that people care and are there to empower them.


I'm lucky. I have a warm home, bed and a fridge full of salad, milk and the occasional Ritter Sport bar. I have dogs to welcome me home and I have a safe neighborhood to walk home through. I have a Starbucks on the corner from my apartment and a fresh produce market two blocks from my place that has the most amazing pink lady apples and sourdough bread. I have shoes galore in my closet and plenty of laundry to be done on a weekly basis. I even have a heated mattress pad. I live a great life. But these kids live a different kind of life. Squatting in abandonded houses and buildings to sleep at night, eating whatever they can get from anyone, waiting for something to happen.


So who on earth rejects people like this? Who forces people to live like this?


We do. Those of us that turn our backs against each other and on those that are different than us. Seriously, where is the love? I'd like to believe that love is there. We're just seeing different shades of it.


One of the most amazing philosophers, Soren Kierkegaard, writes in his Works of Love, that love is simply love. There is nothing greater and it is all encompassing. I think he's right and when we only love a little bit or we cut off love when we find out something we don't like, then it's not love. Love never was there. We need to learn how to love. We're not paying very good attention. We twist things around so that the messages of love we have in front of us are suddenly used for opression of something we might not be comfortable with.


They say that in several generations things will change. Each generation becomes more accepting and open-minded. I say, why on earth do we have to wait that long? The excuses of "that's how we did it back in my day," or that people "aren't ready to change their ways," are simply a big old crock-pot. We can change, but no one wants to. No one wants to try. Until we start trying, we'll never begin to truly love. We'll just be caught somewhere in between love and what we want love to be.

Morning Markings...

Pigeon and DiDi share the couch when possible.

Please don't think me strange, but it has come to my attention that my dogs are more popular than I am. All things considered, popularity is not something that I have ever been too concerned with, but if Pigeon and DiDi were ever concerned, they need not be anymore.

When my professors see me, one of the first things I get asked is, "so, how are the dogs? Do they still like Chicago?" or my friend Angel asks, "how are my babies today?" I have some friends that come over just to see them. Pigeon gets the sympathy card for being blind, DiDi gets it because Pigeon gets all the attention. So it balances out. They have even made friends with the local pet store people. About once a week they go in for a visit while on a walk and get lots of treats from the girl behind the counter and get to visit with their little pomeranian friends. And when people from home call, they always ask about the dogs. Of course, they ask how I am too, but people realize what an important pat of my life they are. They are after all, part of my ministry most days. The neighborhood kids even know them as the dogs that you can hug. I know this sounds silly, but God gave me a great gift in my dogs. (Maybe this is why I am still single...)

Each morning I wake up in my one bedroom apartment in Hyde Park on the south side of Chicago. I don't have my glasses on yet, but I can always look to my left and there on the floor, side by side are two large masses, one dark brown and the other yellow, slowly and gently moving up and down. I can hear them breathing, and sometimes snoring. They seem to know me better than I know myself. They lie practically motionless until they finally hear me let out my daily residual sigh that I must get out of bed. Once they hear that breath they jump together. Pigeon knocking herself over with her happiness and her tail and DiDi with her slow, cat-like stretch. They make their way to the side of the bed and fight for my free hand to pet them. Although blind, Pigeon knows exactly where I am so she can fight DiDi for my morning affection.

I go to the restroom and they sit outside and wait. Afterwards, I walk into the kitchen to turn on the kettle for my morning tea. I usually turn the computer on, raise the blinds in the apartment, turn on Peter, Paul and May's "Where have all the flowers gone?" and begin to get dressed. By this time they have resigned that they will go out at the same time as every morning, after the tea kettle has whistled. Pigeon on the couch with DiDi sleeping in an open crate with pillows, or with DiDi on the couch and Pigeon curled up on my bed, sleeping among my mass of pillows.

The morning walks consist of running down the alley behind our apartment to the gate, which we then proceed out onto the sidewalk for morning markings. DiDi uses the restroom out of necessity, Pigeon, on the other hand, uses it out of spite, I am sure. She patiently waits until DiDi is done and marks her territory directly on top of DiDi's scent. Next, we make our way to the park a block over. I'll spare you the details, but I do wish to say that each morning, before I even get to enjoy my tea, I have to take care of someone else's crap. Take that as you will.

After the morning walk they settle in, that is of course, after they have had several treats. They find their places in the apartment where they are happy for the time being. Bones are strewn all over the house as well as kong chew toys and the water bowls are plentiful.

I leave for campus or church, and each time I leave and return, no matter for how long, it is though I have been gone for eternity. Nothing seems to make them happier than my safe return. And nothing makes me happier than their continual love.

This is what we get from dogs, love like God. Let's face it, God spelled backwards is dog. They have no judgment, they have a memory of around 5 minutes at max (so you are completely forgiven for yelling at them when they eat your shoe or get into the garbage), and they are totally dependent upon you for their survival.

When kids at camp would ask me if I thought animals went to heaven, I can't help by hope that Pigeon and DiDi will be there too. Obviously, their life span is much shorter than a humans, but I can't help but wish that they would be here for as long as I am. I can't imagine having a family without them, or growing old without them. They have been my constant companions for over 5 years now. That's not something easily given up. But the whites on their chins are beginning to show, and it saddens me to see that. When they were puppies and still young they would roll around the house, playing constantly. Now, older and probably a bit wiser, they sleep most of the time, chew on their bones and watch me as I do my Hebrew homework, attempting to dissuade me from working so I will give them the ever anticipated belly scratch.

I don't suggest college kids getting animals, but I don't regret mine. I don't regret the money spent on medicine and special dog food for DiDi and her sensitive stomach, or the nights that were sleepless because Pigeon had to go the the emergency room because she ate an entire bag of dog food. I don;t regret them, ever. They were a gift, and I think it would be much harder to live away from family and friends right now without them. They make it feel like home.

Pigeon snuggling with her bone.

Another week of Debauchery

Ok, not so true. There has been no debauchery going on. Mostly studying and going to class. I'm having to fight to even write a post, blogging has never been my thing. Sharing all of this information with everyone is quite difficult. Mostly because people don't need to know everything. Some things are private and should be kept that way. So why am I doing this? 


Reason 1: I'm in a new city, with new people, going to seminary. I want people to be updated. There are so many people out there who love and support me. People who are praying for me and who call me or e-mail me to check on me. I want them to be updated and to let them know that first, I'm alive and well. I'm thriving. I've never known God to be so amazing. (I knew He was but seminary is a whole new ball game...) Second, I do appreciate everyone and all that they have done for me and given me.


Reason 2: I spoke with one of my pastors about doing this before I left. He seemed to think it was a good idea. It might give me a way to work things out in writing. But how do you work things out when you have to censor yourself? Like I said earlier, there are some things that don't need to be shouted from the rooftops until you are ready to share them and have throughly thought them through. (Try saying that last part three times fast...) But maybe it will give me an outlet. I don't know who is reading this and I'm not sure that anyone will... I don't really read other peoples blogs on a regular basis, only when I think about it. So why should I assume that people will read mine? Well, I guess I should assume that no one will and I do this only for myself. 


I just turned in a paper on baptism. Infant baptism. I believe in it; that's not to say that adult baptism isn't great, it is but it's not the only option. But is it an option, you ask, if you don't choose it? Well then, let me put it this way, you're already a child of God, you don't get a choice there. The choice you have is whether or not you're going to live that part out. That's where that darned thing called "free will" comes into play. (It's great but sometimes I want to kick myself for how it plays out sometimes.)


In infant baptism, someone else makes a choice to take part in a sacrament that is an outward symbol that we are claimed by God at birth. They make a promise to care for the child, and make a covenant with God that they will raise the child to know and love God; they take on the responsibility to raise the child ethically and in God's love to know and understand God and to become an active participate in their own baptism. Yes, I said active participant.


When you're baptized, it's only the beginning of your ministry (yes, YOUR ministry). Jesus began his minstry when he was baptized, so let's get on with it. I perfer to get started early. Your baptism is not complete until your death. So, those people, that community that you are involved in, are making a covenant with God (not a contract or simply a promise, but a covenant), that they will take on all the responsibility for you, teach you how to be responsible with God and your relationship with Him, and then empower you to do the same as them for others after you. Personally, I find that pretty big and hard to wrap my head around. 


When I think of my own baptism, I think of the stories I was told. My grandparents were there, my parents, my older sister. And all the people that I have grown up with in my life. Those people made a promise to love me and care for me. And they did just that. Sure, people don't always do such a good job, probably because they don't understand the responsibility that comes with baptising someone. When an audlt gets baptized, they can make their own deicisons, it's less of a community effort and more about the individual being washed clean into a new life with Chirst. Well, I hate to break it to them, but Christ was always there, they just had to look for him. 


I love it when people say, "I didn't have Christ in my life until so and so..." Um, he was there. Yep, sure as my dog is blind, he was always there.

Gotta love busy schedules!

(CAPTION: What we have here is apparently the Universal Health Institute, found in a random hallway some where in downtown Chicago behind an Italian restaurant. The girl in the photo is ny friend Megan, who often gets mistaken for my sister...)




Dear friends and family,


Can I just say once more, I love Chicago. And I love seminary. This is truly the place where God wanted me. It's such an amazing feeling of peace here, but it's not without challenge. I find that I am discovering new things left and right, it's amazing.


I've filled my schedule with lots of things, but I do have study time, promise. First, I joined the choir. It's easy enough, I just show up and sing and we sing at worship every Wednesday night in chapel. I also was elected as a student deacon by my peers. Which I'm super excited about. We're going on a retreat in October to a retreat center associated with the Poor Handmaidens of Jesus Christ. It should be a restful weekend of prayer and discernment which I am looking forward to. This weekend I completed a training session to work as a volunteer at the Center on Halstead. It's an amazing place that really brings together community. I'm going to work with their youth and I start my second training session for that in October. I'm also going to work a few hours a week with the South Chicago YMCA doing some life guarding, that is if we can get the schedule worked out.


So I know it seems like I've got a lot on my plate, and I do. I still have to visit churches to find a church home up here. I'm looking for something with lots of different people and a worship service that isn't the same as what I am used to. I have lots of options and plenty of time to find a place to call home while I'm here before I do my field studies in my second year.


My classes this semester are Pilgrimage in Faithfulness (PIF), Intro to Biblical Studies (IBS), Hebrew Exegesis 1, and Queer Fear and Faithful Dissent: The Church and Homosexuality. The last class is with my advisor, Deborah Mullen. She's an amazing woman to talk with. We share dog photos.


I've been exploring Chicago a bit. I've been to Millennium Park to see the sculpture, I've seen the Chicago library (WOW!), I've been to the lake, gone to see downtown, and so on. Last night I went with some friends to a fundraiser for a local church in the Presbytery up here, Wicker Park Presbyterian, and we saw a great comedy show by some very talented actors. Afterwards we went for food and drinks and then made our way home.


Public transportation has been interesting to learn. I left my car in Atlanta with mom so I've either been biking, walking or taking the bus, subway or train everywhere. It's been quite an experience and I've enjoyed it. It brings me closer to the community. I can't shut myself up in my car; instead, I walk and meet people and take the dogs places. It's quite lovely.


I can't tell you all how wonderful this all is to me. I love seminary and can't believe that I'm in a place where there are such different yet like-minded people here to do the same work as me. This is truly where God wants me to be and I'm doing my best to keep on doing His work. Whatever that is.


I hope that this finds all of you well. I miss the south but not the humidity.


Cheers,
Shelley

To the Members of CPC

I'm almost finished with my first week of classes here at McCormick. So far the classes are fine and is well. With all of the new people in my life and the new places to go and see I find myself a little homesick. Not for the places, but for people. I miss the people I saw on a regular basis back home.


I never wanted Carrollton, GA to become my home, but it did. And for that I am glad. Don't get me wrong, Chicago is amazing, but no place is like the home you just came from. I find myself walking more, being more conscious about recycling and spending my money, and the dogs even get more exercise. I can't just let them go to the restroom in the front yard because there is no front yard here. I have to get up, walk them down to the park and clean up after them. (I know you wanted to know that)


But I also find myself more aware of myself as an individual; as a child of God. Coming from one background into a place with so many different people of different backgrounds, I have taken time to re-examine myself and where I fit into all of this. I have also become more aware of my social context. Mostly that I am a southerner living in the north. But that is part of what shapes who I am and shapes my story.


All of the people in Carrollton and at CPC are part of my story. People who have challenged me and people who have comforted me. I look forward to seeing everyone again and catching up, but for now, I will work on my story here, in Chicago. Thanks again for the love and support. I look forward to hearing from each of you. Please, send me your stories and let me know how things are going.


Peace,
Shelley

Chicago Life

Dear friends,


I hope this finds you well. Chicago life is great. Although, I do miss home quite often, I am reminded how wonderful I have it. God is truly good. I have been given a lovely apartment, a possible job, new and wonderful friends who I can be completely comfortable with, and a new school with wonderful professors.


I left my car back home in Atlanta and only find myself missing it when I want to be alone. Strange. When I need to go somewhere such as the grocery store or the bike shop, I simply walk or ride my bike. As I am traveling along I see people I have met and know. I walk by shops and cafes and I know the people sitting inside of them. Even though I walk alone, I am always with others. When I do need alone time I have my apartment. How lonely was I with my car?


This is not saying that a car is not a good thing. I will need it next year for my field studies. But to not have it saves me money, time and keeps me physically active, every day!


I cannot thank the people enough for everything I have been given, nor can I thank God enough for the people in my life. But as I go to being my new classes in a new city with new people in a new school, I will do my very best.


Peace,
Shelley

Update 1

Hi everyone.


Well, I'm in Chicago. I'm moved in and all is running smoothly. The ride up here was not the most fun, but I had a friend with me and we made it. We left the house about 5am on Monday morning and left from there. We made it up here about 6:30pm Chicago time. I was greeted by an old friend, Melissa, who promptly took me around to see everything then called some of her friends to help move me in. With all the help we did it in about 30 minutes. It was amazing.


Tuesday was a bit confusing. I woke up, not knowing where I was and then remembered that I had to take the truck to the drop off place. So after driving and getting completely lost in downtown Chicago with a huge truck, I managed somehow to make my way home on the L and a bus.


That's about as exciting as it gets. I've got my bike fixed up and ready to go for school and my travels around the city. I have a great apartment in the very middle of Hyde Park, and the dogs and I are finally settled and unpacked. That's all.


God is good, all of the time.
All of the time, God is good.


Peace,
Shelley

To the Members of Stockbridge Presbyterian Church

Many years ago, before my eight years of college, I knew my calling was in the church and that I was going to go to seminary.

In April of this year, I was accepted into McCormick Presbyterian Theological Seminary in Chicago.

6 weeks ago I was going to defer because I could not afford the moving costs.

Now, I am leaving tomorrow morning with my two dogs and a moving truck for 5537 South Kimbark Avenue in Chicago, Il, because of the people here.

There is no way I could have made this move without you. You are the reason I am going to seminary right now. You are the reason I knew I was meant to serve the church. You are part of the reason I am still here today.

In times such as these, I often wonder how the church survives. Things are so unstable in our world. But then I look around. I look at people I do not know and those that have changed my diapers. And I know I am loved. I know I am supported. And I thank you. I don’t know how to thank you properly, but I will do my best.

When I was studying under my mentor, Dr. Mark Tietjen, a graduate of Princeton Theological Seminary and one of my Philosophy professors, I read a great book by Soren Kierkegaard called “Works of Love.” A book that changed my life. It talks about love never being deceived, because no matter what, love expects everything that humans can throw at it. Love is a concept, Kierkegaard says, that as humans, we have trouble grasping. And we do, I believe. I don’t know that my trouble is grasping love so much as how to deal with overwhelming love. The overwhelming love I have been shown by the people here.

I not only go to seminary to work for God, but I go as a representative for Stockbridge and Carrollton Presbyterian Churches. I am honored to do this, and will do my very best. I will fall, and I will pick myself back up; but I will do so knowing that I am loved by the people here.

I cannot thank you enough for what you have given me. Money is only a human object, but love, love is Godly thing.

Swimming Pools

Have you ever found yourself going through life in slow-motion? That's about how I feel right now. I know that my impending move to Chicago is coming, so I'm starting to think about how I won't see my friends for a while. Granted, I'll make new ones. But there's nothing wrong with the old ones. But every where I go I seem to walk a few paces behind everyone, taking everything in.

I recently found myself all alone at the pool.

I was lifeguarding at Calvin Center, my job of 8 years. The group left the pool an hour early, so, being hot from sitting in the sun for an hour, I jumped in. I floated around for a while, sunglasses on, lifeguard tube under my shoulders holding up my head; and I just floated. Out of 8 years I have never, ever, had the pool all to myself. So I just took it in. There was no breeze and the air was hot and thick. The water wasn't even that cold, but the silence was a first.

What happens when something is impending on us? I know Chicago is coming, and I am more than excited. I think it will be an amazing challenge, but what if I forget? What if I forget the people and the places? What if I forget the sounds of being on a porch, late at night, in the rain? What if I forget the food? No, scratch that, I think I'll remember the food. But the people. Will I always be grateful to them, or is it just now?

Maybe my "impending" move doesn't scare me, but I scare myself with the realization that I am human and might forget people. I don't want them to think I moved on and forgot about them, because it's so easy to do. But I do have to move on. And I don't have to forget.

I mean, really, who could forget those boys?

Fake College Degrees

If you go to college and earn your degree, it's a real degree, right? It comes with all the merits and responsibilities and experiences that one would expect when earning a degree, or does it?

Before you read on: CAUTION. My opinion might make some angry and it is quite one-sided.

Online degrees are now becoming the new trend. Just as leg warmers were made famous by Jennifer Beale in FlashDance, so now are online schools becoming popular. But not because of a celebrity, but because of their easily accessible degrees to the average person. Their appeal is quite obvious. Earn your degree without ever leaving your home or stepping foot onto a college campus and instantly get a job in a field where workers are needed. As a philosophy major, I find no appeal to something that would further my social akwardness.

One of the points of being a scholar in any field is interaction. Interaction with other students, professors, and people in general. As part of the philosophical process, students and scholars interact, have dialogues, arguments, and discuss opinions, ideas and hypothesize about what could or could not happen in certain situations. I could go on and on about this, but any rational human being can clearly see that this lack of interaction is a dangerous thing. How on earth does one learn and expand without others?

I decided to do a random search, to see if I could find an online program for nursing degrees online. Thinking to myself that this would not be possible because nurses have to work with people face to face and they they would need field experience before getting their degree. But, alas, I was wrong. Online schools such as Kaplan University School of Nursing, Drexel University and Walden University, and a few others, all offer online nursing degrees. No classrooms to step into, no people to talk with face to face, no people to practice drawing blood from, just a computer. No offense, I don't want a nurse that went to an online school for his or her degree. So, if you are a nurse reading this and you have an online degree, please just walk away from me before I ask you to leave.

Also, I really don't feel as though someone who has gotten an online degree has put in as much work as someone who actually went to college. So why do they get the same piece of paper as me? I won't go on about this anymore, but let's be honest here: raise your hand if you got an online degree. If you are raising your hand right now, good for you. You got a degree. I earned mine.

The Mighty Ducks

In my first year of working the best job ever as a camp counselor, I had a kid we'll call Danny. He had a syndrome called Prader-Willi Syndrome. He came to camp each year to ride the horses and live life as a normal kid. Only had had to be stopped from eating too much so he wouldn't over eat; had to take shots daily on regular intervals throughout the day so he could live. He would fall asleep during the most inconvenient times, like in the middle of the woods, in the red clay, while it was raining. No joke. But what I remember most was his love for the Mighty Ducks movies. You know, the ones with the young Joshua Jackson. He never could comprehand that we could not do a skit on the Mighty Ducks because the other children voted against it. There were alligator tears that night, then he fell asleep. One night he ate an extra plate of onion rings. (For those of you who don't know, Prader-Willi Syndrome causes the person to possibly eat themselves to death. There is no switch inside of them that says when they are full.) So typically we monitored Danny's food intake. And I guess we didn't see him get his second plate of onion rings that night after dinner. Needless to say, he began to smell quite stinky. So, Paul, our boss, Dennis, our UC, and Blake, my co-counselor, all told Danny to take a shower. Their conclusion was that this poor child had gone to the bathroom in his pants, hence the smell. So once he was in the shower, the boys called into him. "Stay in the shower and do not come out until we tell you to!" So Danny did as told. One of the guys took a large stick and hooked his underpants, needing to check and make sure how bad the track lines were. Needless to say, there were none to be seen. The poor child had gas, and only gas.

Danny passed away a few years later. It was an accident and there was no sadder day than when he passed away. It was the alrgest funeral Henry County, Georgia ever saw, or ever will again for that matter.

There is no point for this story, except for the fact that he is a child I will never forget.

This photo does not include him, as this is a more recent photo of a camping experience I had with some kids in North Carolina. I don't have a photo of Danny, but I still remember him.

Foreword

This is the beginning, well of this blog anyways. I don't have time to write the world, individually, sorry, but it's just the truth. So here I will attempt to keep people updated about what's going on. So next time I hear, "you never call," or "I never know what's going on with you!" I won't feel bad. I'm a protestant, so I lack the gene that causes guilt... The main problem with something like this is that when it comes to a text, it can so easily be misunderstood. So try your best to break this down and pray the text remains open to you, the reader. Take it from the never-ending hermeneutical experience.

Pigeon, DiDi, Amelia D. and I are moving in a few weeks... well I think so. We are going to Chicago's Hyde Park between Lake Michigan and Washington Park. I'm the everlasting student, I always have flavor; 32 of them, to be exact.

This is not a picture of my dog. This is Tori, my friend Kim's dog. I like the picture, so sue me. I wish I had something interesting to blog about, but I am not Amy Adams playing cooking my way through a famous cook book, I'm just finishing the last Harry Potter book. Don't tell me what happens. And I'm not dying or sick, so I haven't had any major revelations. I'm still looking for another revelation. Trust me, I'll let you know when I discover another one. But maybe this will help me one day, I'd like to write a book. I'm not the best writer, but how many of you out there are? It's all up in the air, simply waiting for me to make the decision. You can watch... it might not be pretty. But that's up to you to decide.